So many of us have been rocked by the ongoing violence in our newsfeeds. I don’t want to add to the noise and cast blame. I do want to offer a perspective that helps us heal. To do that we need to speak to the elephant in the room:
The people committing these acts of violence are almost always men – many of them very young. As a boy mom who also works with the nervous system, I have some thoughts about what’s needed for change.
Just a little nervous system 101 to start.
We have a sympathetic and parasympathetic branch in our nervous system. The sympathetic is where we take action, and fight or flee when under threat. The parasympathetic is where we rest, digest, and recover. When under threat, a parasympathetic response can be to freeze or collapse.
We also have a social nervous system, which is part of the parasympathetic branch. This where we bond with others and find safety through relating and our community. When under threat, we will fawn or camoflauge our own needs or identity to fit in.
Our emotional states are a reflection of our nervous system states. Aggression comes through the sympathetic branch of the nervous system. Sympathetic activation isn’t “bad.” But when someone is at chronic, high levels of sympathetic activation, they can experience rage and a drive to annihilate. This is what we’re seeing on display.
So what can we do to help our boys?
One, we need to teach boys healthy aggression. On the one hand we see the embodiment of feral, dysregulated aggression in so many men in positions of power, and on the other there’s a push to make boys “nice” and calm, and shame them when they’re energetic or wild.
Testosterone is a FORCE. It will amplify their nervous system energetics when they go through puberty, and will magnify whatever they’re focussed on. They need nervous system support to channel that energy so it doesn’t become harmful to themselves or others. And for the boys who tend to be in more of a sympathetic flight response (anxiety, fear) or parasympathetic shut down (apathy, numbness, depression), they need help inhabiting the part of their nervous system that expresses healthy aggression so they don’t fall prey.
Two, we need to teach boys how to downregulate their systems when they’re running such high states of sympathetic activation – essentially, how to calm themselves. The parasympathic branch of the nervous system is where we rest, rejuvenate and digest – not just our food but also our experiences and emotions. If someone is chronically in a state of aggitation anger or rage, they likely struggle to wind their system down. Meditation, yoga and breathwork are examples of practices that move the body into a more parasympathetic state and help them digest their emotions.
Three, our boys are suffering because we’ve lost our Village and eldering. We need older, wiser men who can teach them how to channel their power and strength, call them in to be accountable when they make mistakes, and teach them how to repair their relationship with the community, rather than “cancelling” them.
We also need older, wiser women who are able to inhabit their own healthy aggression – who know what they want and can take action on it until they get it, without freezing or collapsing. As my nervous system teacher says, “It’s the Mama who teaches her cubs how to hunt.”
When we don’t have this generational wisdom and guidance, boys and men will organize themselves into social structures of dominance that become distorted and harmful. Some boys will fawn and try to fit in (and may even look confident doing so). Some boys will be abused or cast out. And in the animal world we know there’s nothing more dangerous than the feral, lone young male.
We need communities of men and women who understand this, are embodied, and have cultivated more regulation in their own system, so that our children can learn not only from our words, but from the impact of our presence. It will – quite literally and physically – take a Village.
Much love and peace,
Courtney
(P.S. One last thing…we’re in eclipse season from Sept. 7th – Sept. 21st, and also in ritu sandhi, the unstable transition period into fall. There’s A LOT of chaotic, ungrounded energy right now. In general, whatever you focus on tends to be magnified at this time, so be careful how you feed your senses. It’s a great time for spiritual practice, simple foods, and nourishing self-care. It’s not a great time to be digesting all the chaos through social media (though I know it’s tempting). To help stay grounded, you can download my free Ayurvedic Self-massage Guide here and my Seasonal Eating Guide with Shopping Lists here).